77 Politics

Obey the rules of the road or else...

It has been 8 months now since I have been taking the York Regional Transit #77. Although, the YRT service is nothing great to write home about, I have to say this giant beast of metallic junk is the only means of connecting me to my source of income. I will not bore you to a temporary comatose, but I've had my fair share of drama including been pushed around, snarled at (yes, snarled), my stuff picked up and thrown on me and having drivers heartlessly drive away while I helplessly watch from across the street waiting for the pedestrian crossing.

Although 8 months of daily commuting hardly earns me any street cred points, I have made some curious observations and tricks to dealing with the joyness that is taking the bus.

1) It can be safetly assumed that in Toronto and the GTA, no one has the desire to sit next to you or talk to you or anyone else on a mode of public transit. There are a wide array of activities that the average Torontonian would rather do than sit beside you, much less speak to you. Some examples of these activities include plugging their ears into their iPods, picking their nose, testing every single one of their cellphone ringtones, and staring aimlessly outside the window. Some exceptions to this rule are if you're exceptionally good looking, or if they're a Jehovah's Witness.

2) In the unfortunate event that you are sitting next to someone who has bad breath, is crazy or a nasty combination of both, you may do any of the above listed activities of the unfriendly Torontonian commuter. If you're not into that you may use some common phrases that are useful such as: "No, I don't want to tell you where I live. Would you like a mint instead?" or "No, I'm not interested in reading the Book of Mormon. Would you like a mint instead?". My personal favorite is to just pretend you're dead.

3) In the event of a rare treat that a hot guy gets on the bus, please close your mouth and try to be discreet with the stare. Remember that creepy old geezer with bad breath who tried to ask you where you live and then tried to convert you to a Jehovah's Witness and wouldn't take dead for an answer? You're not him, but oogling is the first step towards it.

4) Please offer your seat to an eldery man or woman. I understand that many people are jaded, 'hurt-before-by-bus-politics' commuters but good manners always go a long way. So does good karma.

5) The best way to have two seats to yourself (one for you and one for your purse/ego) is to sit on the aisle seat with your purse/ego dropped on the window seat. This is a concept that thrives on the fake politeness/ pushover-ness(I know that's not a word) of Torontonians. Most people would rather stand than ask you to move your shit so they can have a seat. Every so often though, you will have the non-pushover commuter who will sit on YOU if he can't find an empty seat. True story.

6) Don't have lengthy coversations with the driver about spending your weekend buying clothes for your dog. This will cause him to miss stops and piss the toffees off of a bus load of cranky people. True story again.

7) If you got delayed at Starbucks because the lunatic in front of you decided to pay for her coffee in pennies, it's not a good idea to run like a cat on hot bricks with scalding coffee to catch your bus. This will cause your clothes to consume more coffee than you do, you will reek of coffee and you will look like an idiot. Accept defeat with dignity and an intact coffee cup.

8) It is perfectly okay to smile and make small talk with your everyday fellow commuters. In fact, make an effort to do so. However, one can draw the line when the over-friendly bus idiot moves your stuff around and cockblocks you from the bus cutie.

9) Find things that will make your long morning commutes enjoyable. Personally, I like to read, listen to music, talk to God, do the crossword and twidle my thumbs. In really hectic times, if you really can't find anything to keep you occupied, stare at a picture of Jake Gyllenhal.

10) Try to thank your driver after you have arrived at your destination. Unless you've been in a terrible accident, in which case, thank God you're not in the hospital busy being a vegetable.

And that folks is my 2 cents on the public transit. You may pay an additional $2.98 to experience it for yourself.

Karen vs. the Universe

It's been a while since my everyday fly ride, the ghettofabulous YRT 77 has entertained me (and the rest of the world) with life's delightful epiphanies. Today was when one of those hit me in the eye...and in my seat. My thesis in question: Against all protest, Karen is finally a certified freak magnet.
Before all you ladies (and some gentlemen) roll your eyes at me with that "Welcome to the club, sweetie" look on your face, allow me to explain how I'm different from the rest of all y'all freak magnets out there.

You see, most pretty girls have an overattractive magnetic pole. This results in attracting the cream of society's imbiciles and nimrods. I on the other hand, one-up that by having an over-repellent pole that repels the cutes and an over-attractive pole that attracts the brutes. God was generous with me when he was dishing out the poles.

My case in point: The Seat Dilemma of the 77

My daily 6:55am bus has a pretty air tight seating arrangement. I sit in the second last row on the right. Other useless characters in this story include 200lbs construction man and his 95lbs construction friend. Mr. 400lbs Jellyfish man is another worthy mention and of course about 25 four-foot tall Philipino ladies who dominate the front of the bus.

This story however, will revolve around 3 characters. Cutie McCute, Raj McRat and yours truly.

Cutie McCute: Cutie gets on the bus about 10 stops from me. I think he's currently dating a medium-sized Timmy's cup and a freebee Metro newspaper. Against my wishes, McCutes NEVER gets a seat next to me.

Raj McRat: McRat is the 3-time winner of the "World's Most Annoying person in the World" award and he believes that since him and I both ride the 77, we are instant BFFs. This severly skewed notion has resulted in my new BFF following me around while I get coffee, questioning my method of payment for my coffee and cornering me into my seat. This year, he's trying to take his accolades to the next level by aiming for the Guiness Book for the "most annoying person". Also, his name isn't Raj. I couldn't care less what it is.

So here's what happens:

I had long since given up on trying to negotiate with the universe so as to have McCutes sitting next to me instead of The Rat. I even tried to cut a deal where I would never sit with Cutiepie if that meant I would never sit with Ratty Rat. Nobody up there was listening.

Today, I decided I had enough of the Rat ruining probably the only good thing about my morning. So I sat down in my seat, plopped my huge clunker handbag on the seat next to me and vowed to be Super Bitch if that FOOL came sniffing around. Rat came by and stopped for 3 seconds by my seat waiting for me to take my bag off the seat. I pretended to be very interested in my bus pass. And then the most amazing thing happened. He walked away! It was just that easy! Why had I not tried this before?

I was basking in the relish of a ratless morning when I realised I have an empty seat next to me. The bus was deliciously close to Cutie's stop and I had an empty seat. My brain made up a happy song in my head about empty seats and baby faced Tim Hortons coffee drinkers and rainbows and blue bells and no rats in sight. The bus stops and Cutie gets in. He spots the empty seat and makes his way towards the gold. I hold my breath.

Author's Note: This is the exciting life I lead. Working girl in her early twenties having her day made by the mere thought at not having to deal with boneheads.

Still holding my breath. So close.

And then it happens. The universe poops on my parade.

That stupid nincompoop FOOL (Raj) comes out of nowhere, almost bumps into cutiepie, PICKS UP MY BAG from the seat, flings it on my lap, and sits himself down in the seat that had Cutie's name all over it.

"Hi! How you are doing today??", he grins. Yes, how you are doing. Not, how are you doing.

I am in shock and disbelief as I helplessly watch cutiepie do a 180 and stand in the middle of the bus waiting for a seat.

The only response I give Rat is a scowl. Why is it that I can never catch a break!?

Moral of the Story:

Karen is a freak magnet of colossal proportions and the universe is just a big fat cockblocker. Universe= 1, Karen= -5.

Fail.

THE END.